I've come to the realization that I'm not super-human. Unfortunately, I'm always going to be a big girl. Now that I've come to that realization, perhaps I can stop pushing myself so hard that I feel I'm going to break.
The last 3 weeks have been extremely busy for me. My typical day goes something like this:
10PM-6AM: Work
6AM-8:30AM: Gym
9AM-11AM: Hang out with the kids, cook them breakfast, do laundry, clean...
12 NOON: Go to bed
12 NOON: Go to bed
6PM: Wake up, cook supper, do school work, shower
8:30PM-9:15PM: Read the kids some books and get them ready for bed.
Repeat.
This schedule may not seem to be stressful, but seriously... when do I get time to relax? I never get to sleep those 6 hours straight because there is always some reason for me to wake up.
My body is just drained. I'm constantly stressing about everything: my vehicle, trying to find a day job, trying to be a good mom, trying to be a good girlfriend, work on my self-issues, trying to fit in time to do school work, etc. I guess in a sense I feel like I'm running on a treadmill that won't shut off. The days I have off and don't have kids (which rarely happens) I am just so exhausted that I accomplish nothing.
Why does our society have to be so aimed towards women being thin to be considered sexy? I find myself striving to be thinner and for what reason? Well first of all, my health. That's a given. But my reasons after that are so ridiculous. For example, when I go to interview for a job I know for a fact that heavier people are discriminated against. Should my size determine my qualifications for a position? Absolutely not! Fact is, it does anyway.
Anyway, back to the food addiction issue. I've been doing better, but not great. I still find myself going on binges and eating until I feel like puking. I do go to the gym pretty regularly which has put a stop on the gain, but honestly I haven't lost anything. Partially because my diet hasn't been the best and partially because my trainer at the gym has me muscle building. Sometimes I wonder about that. I feel like I'm being pushed too hard. Yeah I have ambition, but I'm still 280 pounds and everything on my body constantly hurts. lol. I'm too pussy to say anything, though.
The good news is... I have a family that is willing to give me a place to stay until I can afford to be on my own. I have a wonderful best friend, great friends, and a really really great boyfriend. How is it that I continue to see all the negative instead of positives? Oh right, I'm human. :-)
