Truth is...

I've come to the realization that I'm not super-human. Unfortunately, I'm always going to be a big girl. Now that I've come to that realization, perhaps I can stop pushing myself so hard that I feel I'm going to break.

The last 3 weeks have been extremely busy for me. My typical day goes something like this:

10PM-6AM: Work

6AM-8:30AM: Gym

9AM-11AM: Hang out with the kids, cook them breakfast, do laundry, clean...
12 NOON: Go to bed

6PM: Wake up, cook supper, do school work, shower

8:30PM-9:15PM: Read the kids some books and get them ready for bed.

Repeat.

This schedule may not seem to be stressful, but seriously... when do I get time to relax? I never get to sleep those 6 hours straight because there is always some reason for me to wake up. 

My body is just drained. I'm constantly stressing about everything: my vehicle, trying to find a day job, trying to be a good mom, trying to be a good girlfriend, work on my self-issues, trying to fit in time to do school work, etc. I guess in a sense I feel like I'm running on a treadmill that won't shut off. The days I have off and don't have kids (which rarely happens) I am just so exhausted that I accomplish nothing. 

Why does our society have to be so aimed towards women being thin to be considered sexy? I find myself striving to be thinner and for what reason? Well first of all, my health. That's a given. But my reasons after that are so ridiculous. For example, when I go to interview for a job I know for a fact that heavier people are discriminated against. Should my size determine my qualifications for a position? Absolutely not! Fact is, it does anyway.

Anyway, back to the food addiction issue. I've been doing better, but not great. I still find myself going on binges and eating until I feel like puking. I do go to the gym pretty regularly which has put a stop on the gain, but honestly I haven't lost anything. Partially because my diet hasn't been the best and partially because my trainer at the gym has me muscle building. Sometimes I wonder about that. I feel like I'm being pushed too hard. Yeah I have ambition, but I'm still 280 pounds and everything on my body constantly hurts. lol. I'm too pussy to say anything, though. 

The good news is... I have a family that is willing to give me a place to stay until I can afford to be on my own. I have a wonderful best friend, great friends, and a really really great boyfriend. How is it that I continue to see all the negative instead of positives? Oh right, I'm human. :-)

On the right path, FINALLY!

it's been a little while since I've blogged, so I decided it was time for an update. Not that anyone necessarily reads these, but it helps me if no one else.

I was reading back on my previous blogs and in comparison I've made some drastic strides to becoming more controlling of my addiction. My biggest problem was idle time. Well, idle time-- I have no more! I'm working full time, going to school online 3/4 time, and working out at the gym every day! I first started about 3 weeks ago with doing an intense aerobic exercise about 4 days a week with my friend Melissa. This was good for both of us because we kept each other motivated. Well, I decided I needed more! I knew the local YMCA was too expensive for me at the moment and someone mentioned about their Open Door Program they offer. Your yearly membership fee is based on your income! Jackpot! I paid $52 dollars for the entire year! I started yesterday and I feel great already! They have the same machine that I used at Gold's Gym and lost nearly 100 lbs. I am overly confident that this is my ticket to success. My children are also able to join me at the gym, so we can go in and play in the gym, swim, or they can participate in several of the youth programs offered. I am really excited about this change in our lives!

I can't say that I still don't struggle with my eating disorder. It's an every day struggle, although it's getting easier to maintain. This is mostly because exercising results in me being more emotionally stable. Emotional stability is a key in keeping the bad eating habits under control. That and I know how hard I'm working and I don't want to ruin it for enjoy a cheeseburger for a few minutes.

The biggest issue that I'm dealing with right now is trying to balance everything in my life effectively. Can it even be done? I'm working full time, doing a lot of my school work at work, trying to find time to help Brianna and Alex learn essential things, spending time with friends and family, and dealing with any other problems in my life. It's all very overwhelming, but it gives me less time to think about things. When I have time to think, that's just when problems occur.

Overall, I am extremely happy right now. I'm not happy with my position in life, but I realize that I just have to be patient. I am making huge strides in the right direction and that's the important thing!

Food Addiction, uninterrupted.

So, to conquer this addiction... is it going to just take time? What triggers it? Well, sadness or being stressed more than anything. Why did I find it appropriate to take 11 online credits while I work full time and live with a house full of adults and two children? Uhm well, because working a dead end job stresses me out... because I want to be something! Problem: I have no patience. If I don't see myself working towards what I want... it stresses me out. But, working towards it stresses me out too. Ugh. Is it ever really going to end? I'm sitting here at work blogging because all I can think about is that left over container of icing I brought to work with me to spread on graham crackers. I felt like I had to be sneaky taking it. But, sneaking past who? Myself? Driving to work I noticed that I was quietly rationalizing why it was OK to bring the icing and graham crackers to work with me. As I stood there spreading that incredible chocolate goodness onto a cracker... I'm thinking, "You are seriously disgusting and overweight, but eat it anyway fatty..." What the hell is wrong with me? So, it's like I depress myself? Then to top it off, I decide to order a pasta bowl from Domino's. Pasta... in a bread bowl? Is that even allowed?? I feel myself slowly starting to slip away. I remember when I used to live in WV. I was unhappy there, but in a different way. More lonely than anything, but I passed my extra time at the gym. I now have no extra time. Am I not happy? Am I seeking happiness in food? Honestly, I don't think being happy would help. Maybe there are just too many unknowns in my life right now? I need to find a way to become obsessed with exercising instead of food. I value my life and I don't want it cut short because of my taste buds winning the battle. This   has   got   to   STOP!!

My........Addiction

Crack.
Heroine.
Pills.
Alcohol.
A lot of people in this world suffer from addictions. Most just judge them; like when they walk into a room. Their appearance, attitude, movement... "Oh, look at that girl! She looks like a crack head!" Like, seriously?? You know NOTHING about that person. Maybe she is addicted to crack. Maybe that one over there that looks normal is suffering from alcoholism. We really don't know anyone's story... so why not give everyone the benefit of the doubt?
What I'm getting at...
My addiction. Ah, I really hate that I said that. Addiction. As many times as I say it, I still cringe.
Well, here it goes.
My addiction is food.
You say, why can't you just stop eating? Well, the same reason an alcoholic can't just stop drinking. The same reason a heroin addict can't stop the drugs. It just makes you feel better. You want to do it when you're happy... sad... and everything in between. It ruins your life. I seriously have a food addiction. This addiction put me in a size 30 pants and made me almost 400 lbs. When people saw me at this weight, they automatically just assumed that I was lazy and liked to eat a lot. Not true. I remember those days when I was sad and depressed... all I could think about is where my next meal was coming from.
Well here I am now, a lot smaller, but still far from being fit. I am still over weight. I find myself coming back to my old habits. Eating healthy... but sneaking a donut, chocolate, or some fast food. Who am I hurting? Myself! Why can't I stop? I have no idea! If I don't stop soon, I'm going to start climbing right back up to where I was. Heroin addicts have their methodone. What do us food addicts have? People assume that just because it's an addiction to something legal that we don't need help? I NEED HELP!
There, I'm admitting it. As soon as the times get tough, I turn to food. I've tried everything. The only thing that seems to work is making myself so busy that I don't have time to eat. I lost all my weight by going to the gym 7 days a week, for at least 2 hours a day. Well guess what? I don't have that option anymore. What the hell am I going to do? The people around me really don't understand how I feel. "Well, just stop eating it!" Much easier said than done.
I'm starting to feel miserable again. Bargaining with myself about what I eat. "Well, if I eat this chinese then I will just have to eat healthy the next two days to make up for it..." ...Even when I know that thought it WRONG!
I really don't want to go back to what I used to be. So, if blogging is my last resort, so be it!