Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Food Addiction, uninterrupted.
So, to conquer this addiction... is it going to just take time? What triggers it? Well, sadness or being stressed more than anything. Why did I find it appropriate to take 11 online credits while I work full time and live with a house full of adults and two children? Uhm well, because working a dead end job stresses me out... because I want to be something! Problem: I have no patience. If I don't see myself working towards what I want... it stresses me out. But, working towards it stresses me out too. Ugh. Is it ever really going to end? I'm sitting here at work blogging because all I can think about is that left over container of icing I brought to work with me to spread on graham crackers. I felt like I had to be sneaky taking it. But, sneaking past who? Myself? Driving to work I noticed that I was quietly rationalizing why it was OK to bring the icing and graham crackers to work with me. As I stood there spreading that incredible chocolate goodness onto a cracker... I'm thinking, "You are seriously disgusting and overweight, but eat it anyway fatty..." What the hell is wrong with me? So, it's like I depress myself? Then to top it off, I decide to order a pasta bowl from Domino's. Pasta... in a bread bowl? Is that even allowed?? I feel myself slowly starting to slip away. I remember when I used to live in WV. I was unhappy there, but in a different way. More lonely than anything, but I passed my extra time at the gym. I now have no extra time. Am I not happy? Am I seeking happiness in food? Honestly, I don't think being happy would help. Maybe there are just too many unknowns in my life right now? I need to find a way to become obsessed with exercising instead of food. I value my life and I don't want it cut short because of my taste buds winning the battle. This has got to STOP!!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
My........Addiction
Crack.
Heroine.
Pills.
Alcohol.
A lot of people in this world suffer from addictions. Most just judge them; like when they walk into a room. Their appearance, attitude, movement... "Oh, look at that girl! She looks like a crack head!" Like, seriously?? You know NOTHING about that person. Maybe she is addicted to crack. Maybe that one over there that looks normal is suffering from alcoholism. We really don't know anyone's story... so why not give everyone the benefit of the doubt?
What I'm getting at...
My addiction. Ah, I really hate that I said that. Addiction. As many times as I say it, I still cringe.
Well, here it goes.
My addiction is food.
You say, why can't you just stop eating? Well, the same reason an alcoholic can't just stop drinking. The same reason a heroin addict can't stop the drugs. It just makes you feel better. You want to do it when you're happy... sad... and everything in between. It ruins your life. I seriously have a food addiction. This addiction put me in a size 30 pants and made me almost 400 lbs. When people saw me at this weight, they automatically just assumed that I was lazy and liked to eat a lot. Not true. I remember those days when I was sad and depressed... all I could think about is where my next meal was coming from.
Well here I am now, a lot smaller, but still far from being fit. I am still over weight. I find myself coming back to my old habits. Eating healthy... but sneaking a donut, chocolate, or some fast food. Who am I hurting? Myself! Why can't I stop? I have no idea! If I don't stop soon, I'm going to start climbing right back up to where I was. Heroin addicts have their methodone. What do us food addicts have? People assume that just because it's an addiction to something legal that we don't need help? I NEED HELP!
There, I'm admitting it. As soon as the times get tough, I turn to food. I've tried everything. The only thing that seems to work is making myself so busy that I don't have time to eat. I lost all my weight by going to the gym 7 days a week, for at least 2 hours a day. Well guess what? I don't have that option anymore. What the hell am I going to do? The people around me really don't understand how I feel. "Well, just stop eating it!" Much easier said than done.
I'm starting to feel miserable again. Bargaining with myself about what I eat. "Well, if I eat this chinese then I will just have to eat healthy the next two days to make up for it..." ...Even when I know that thought it WRONG!
I really don't want to go back to what I used to be. So, if blogging is my last resort, so be it!
Heroine.
Pills.
Alcohol.
A lot of people in this world suffer from addictions. Most just judge them; like when they walk into a room. Their appearance, attitude, movement... "Oh, look at that girl! She looks like a crack head!" Like, seriously?? You know NOTHING about that person. Maybe she is addicted to crack. Maybe that one over there that looks normal is suffering from alcoholism. We really don't know anyone's story... so why not give everyone the benefit of the doubt?
What I'm getting at...
My addiction. Ah, I really hate that I said that. Addiction. As many times as I say it, I still cringe.
Well, here it goes.
My addiction is food.
You say, why can't you just stop eating? Well, the same reason an alcoholic can't just stop drinking. The same reason a heroin addict can't stop the drugs. It just makes you feel better. You want to do it when you're happy... sad... and everything in between. It ruins your life. I seriously have a food addiction. This addiction put me in a size 30 pants and made me almost 400 lbs. When people saw me at this weight, they automatically just assumed that I was lazy and liked to eat a lot. Not true. I remember those days when I was sad and depressed... all I could think about is where my next meal was coming from.
Well here I am now, a lot smaller, but still far from being fit. I am still over weight. I find myself coming back to my old habits. Eating healthy... but sneaking a donut, chocolate, or some fast food. Who am I hurting? Myself! Why can't I stop? I have no idea! If I don't stop soon, I'm going to start climbing right back up to where I was. Heroin addicts have their methodone. What do us food addicts have? People assume that just because it's an addiction to something legal that we don't need help? I NEED HELP!
There, I'm admitting it. As soon as the times get tough, I turn to food. I've tried everything. The only thing that seems to work is making myself so busy that I don't have time to eat. I lost all my weight by going to the gym 7 days a week, for at least 2 hours a day. Well guess what? I don't have that option anymore. What the hell am I going to do? The people around me really don't understand how I feel. "Well, just stop eating it!" Much easier said than done.
I'm starting to feel miserable again. Bargaining with myself about what I eat. "Well, if I eat this chinese then I will just have to eat healthy the next two days to make up for it..." ...Even when I know that thought it WRONG!
I really don't want to go back to what I used to be. So, if blogging is my last resort, so be it!
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